Happy Val Day, Sab!! (10000 points to anyone who gets that joke).
It’s Valentine’s Day. A Day I actually kind of dig, because it means guilt free chocolate, wearing red and pink together, hearts on everything, and that there will be amazing candy sales tomorrow. This all comes from someone who appreciates a val day completely devoid of love story.
So I know a lot of people like to pour up some wine, get some red candy and watch romantic comedies and cry. To those, I have one question: WHY?! I prefer to pour up a scotch and watch some action movies. Nothing reminds you what matters more than crushing a brew and watching Arnold blow a bunch of shit up. (Terminator 2 is still my favourite in this category, but if you haven’t seen that, log off right now and watch it and honestly, are you lost or something?) So that in mind, I present you a list of some of my favourite Valentine’s Day movies, completely devoid of love story.
Listen, I probably don’t have to be the one to tell you about this Tarantino classic, but I will remind you of it’s being devoid of even so much as a stolen glance. Reservoir Dogs should be the example of what your confusing high school English teacher meant when they said “you follow the rules of writing, then when you’re really great at it, you can break all of them.” This flick focuses on a team of crooks anonymous to each other, attempting a heist, and after turmoil, suspecting that there might be a mole in their ranks. I love this movie for not showing us the heist, but only the aftermath, and telling the story out of order making for amazing reveals. It’s bloody, it’s loud, it’s scary, it’s awesome. Bonus round: note all the references to it in Breaking Bad upon a re-watch.
This 2012 not-actually-a-sequel to Judge Dredd is everything right and everything wrong with 3D cinema. There will never be another Sly, but Karl Urban absolutely kills it as a Judge in Dredd. In this alternate (or a little too close to…) reality, “Judges” are the new cops and act as “Judge, Jury and Executioner.” (Or is that the tagline to The Punisher? Whatever).
This assault on the senses takes place in a tenement, which gives all sorts of The Raid vibes, where Dredd is fighting to take down Ma-Ma (a lady villain, everyone, wuddup), a drug lord distributing Slo-mo, a drug that causes people to experience reality in slow motion (cue the amazing/ terrible use of 3D). Guys, we have a mixed-gender lead cast and no one so much as flirts. What else do you want? #IAmTheLaw
The Usual Suspects
Don’t nobody need me to tell them about The Usual Suspects. I am just here to remind you that this movie hasn’t even a loving peck. This absolute giant of cinema tells the story via an interrogation of the only survivor of a boat shootout. If you’ve seen this, you don’t need me, and if you haven’t, I’m gonna let you take care of this one yourself.
This movie is permanently cemented into pop culture for it’s incredible story telling, surprises, cast, and direction. And there is plenty of gun fire and explosions to satiate you through blowing through that box of chocolates.
These are just a few of my favourite flicks to blow through over anything but wine. But the list is hardly short. What are you watching tonight?